Dec 26 2006

An Open Letter to the New Year

Published by at 9:58 am under Who is this person?

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Dear 2007,

No pressure, but I’m expecting big things from you. I don’t want to bad-mouth your predecessor, but 2006 could’ve done a better job. Sure, the Republican stranglehold on Congress was finally broken and Rumsfeld got the long-overdue boot, but my father didn’t even live to see any of it. And for that alone, 2006 goes down in my record books as Shittiest Year Ever.

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Even my lesser heroes took a hit this year. After Mel Gibson performed self-immolation on his public persona, Michael Richards apparently thought that even that kind of bad publicity beat whatever hell of anonymity he’d found himself in. What am I supposed to do with my Kramer T-shirt now? There’s a Mad Max action figure on display in my son’s nursery. I guess I’d better take that down before he’s old enough to start asking questions.

Treat my heroes better this year, 2007. That’s my first request. If Harrison Ford winds up on You Tube in crotchless panties, I’m going to drink myself into a coma that lasts till 2008.

Something else you’ve got on your plate is the upcoming contract negotiations between the Writers Guild of America and the AMPTP. Plenty of opportunities for disaster there. Try not to step on your dick, okay? Everybody’s talking about a strike, so the studios are already stockpiling scripts, which means, even if we reach an agreement, there could be a development slowdown once the dust settles, just like in 2001 (remember that Shitty Year That Was?). It’s going to take some grace to navigate these waters, 2007, but I’m counting on you. I’d like to keep feeding my family.

Hey, why not let me score a big spec sale in the stockpiling frenzy? It’s the least you can do after 2006 waylaid my indie project on its journey toward production.

Which reminds me — please put my indie project into production this spring. It’s the least you can do if you’re going to ask me to walk the picket line in the fall.

And, hey, as long as we’re talking about my career, can you try to get a certain A-list director to move forward with my big sci-fi project? I’m not getting any younger here.

Don’t look at me like that, 2007. I told you I’m expecting big things. It’s not like I’m asking the impossible. I didn’t ask you to end the genocide in Darfur or, you know, bring my dad back. (Though, if either of those occur to you…)

Look, I’m only asking for modest, realistic developments. This is your chance to make a real mark on my life. You want to be fondly remembered, like the year I lost my virginity, or the year my son was born? Or do you want to be thought of as just another 1993. Remember what happened in ’93? I sure don’t. And that’s my point.

You can do it, 2007. I know you can.

Happy New Year. Now get to work.

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